Brennend laufen.

Feuer im Bauch. Feuer vom Scheitel bis in die Zehenspitzen. Heute Morgen, die Sonne schien, Hitze drinnen, Hitze draußen, habe ich einen Apfel geschnitten (wegen den Vitaminen). Sonnen brennen und Feuer lodern führen zu Unkonzentriertheit. Ich habe mir in den Finger geschnitten. Das Feuer entfloh, angestachelt von der Sommer Wärme und all dem Sauerstoff ging ich in Flammen auf. Vor einer Woche noch hatten die Flammen nur in meinen Zehen gekribbelt. Trippelschritte durch den Tag, sonst nichts. Dann waren sie höher gekrochen. Erst wacklige Knie, Dann ruß Bauch, später graue Husten Wolken. Angekommen bei meinem Mund habe ich die Lippen zu gekniffen. Ihr kommt sicher nicht raus! Heute Morgen dann ganz und gar, alles loderte. Aber nur, weil man brennt, muss man trotzdem weiter stolpern, essen, atmen. Deswegen der Apfel. Deswegen bin ich jetzt Asche. Asche unter dem Küchentisch. Mich findet keiner.

I burn.

The tip of the flame

Is only tepid

Touch it

I will not burn you

Touch me

But we know

My roots

cankerously burning
Killing all that comes to close.

Time.

I say I don´t have time. What I mean is, this is not in my heart at the moment. I do not care. My use of  time just reflects what makes my heart beat faster, what matters, what I love and care about. I should decide over my time. But being so scared to actually finish what I want to do and achieve what I am aiming for, often makes the opposite happen. Time rules over me. I try to get things done but I am so anxious I cannot concentrate. In the end the results are poor and it feels like a lot of time has been lost.

I am honest, while I know this is bad, I have not found a cure yet. I do not know how to take a deep breath and do what I want to do, to live the life I am dreaming of. It´s easy to blame society for this. Saying societies structures makes me work this way and makes me wake up at night shaking out of anxiety. Maybe thats true. But what is also true, is that I am a part of society. So if society is to blame than so am I. First of all this does not feel good. But when I think about it, it´s actually great. It means I can change something. It means I can try to do things differently. And maybe I can even influence the society with my behavior. I do not need to escape society. I can´t even escape society. But I can act within it and my acts will not be unnoticed.

Ignite my fire.

I lit my fire and now I am burning like a match was thrown into a pile of dust dry wood. I keep igniting more and more things. I spark like bursting stars. I sparkle and burn and it hurts and it´s great. And I don´t know if I will burn everything to the ground or if my fire will die down. But for now I will burn.