Time.

I say I don´t have time. What I mean is, this is not in my heart at the moment. I do not care. My use of  time just reflects what makes my heart beat faster, what matters, what I love and care about. I should decide over my time. But being so scared to actually finish what I want to do and achieve what I am aiming for, often makes the opposite happen. Time rules over me. I try to get things done but I am so anxious I cannot concentrate. In the end the results are poor and it feels like a lot of time has been lost.

I am honest, while I know this is bad, I have not found a cure yet. I do not know how to take a deep breath and do what I want to do, to live the life I am dreaming of. It´s easy to blame society for this. Saying societies structures makes me work this way and makes me wake up at night shaking out of anxiety. Maybe thats true. But what is also true, is that I am a part of society. So if society is to blame than so am I. First of all this does not feel good. But when I think about it, it´s actually great. It means I can change something. It means I can try to do things differently. And maybe I can even influence the society with my behavior. I do not need to escape society. I can´t even escape society. But I can act within it and my acts will not be unnoticed.